Drawing Conclusions
by ShadesofImagination
Summary: Four things that should never go together: cucumbers, pink leather, sock puppets and a Hello Kitty whip. Cloud was never going to understand them. Neither was Angeal. ASGZC. Crack for the sake of crack. One-shot. For Pip.


**A/N: This is crack for the sake of crack for Pip. If you don't understand, well, that's probably a good thing. Really. Done in roughly twenty minutes while playing Warcraft. **

**Rating: T+?**

**Warnings: References to bondage, crack, OOC like hell**

...

...

**Drawing Conclusions**

There was a lot of love in a five person relationship. Sometimes, Cloud almost felt like he was being smothered. Though, that could have been from the fact that he often woke up tangled in Sephiroth's hair, or spent each morning being hugged by four very large, very strong men who happened to think he was the cutest thing since Pop Rocks. However, there were also lots of other things.

Like fear.

There was lots of fear...

...

After a long day of slogging through the mud, Cloud just wanted to go home and nap on Angeal's chest. The man was warm, strong, caring, and it was hard as hell to not feel safe when he was within eighty feet. His head was pounding and he was still shaking from a rather heated encounter with the produce man in Wall Market. Yes, a nap on the man was definitely a good idea...maybe he could even get a massage out of Genesis and some of Seph's special ice cream...

The glaring, hot pink leather ensemble that Zackary Fair must have lubed himself up to get into was not what he'd been expecting when he walked through the door to their shared apartment. Nor was the shouting. Or the stupid baby talk coming from, surprisingly, Genesis and Sephiroth's socks of all things.

"What the fuck is going on?" He snapped, slamming the door closed.

Genesis let out a startled shriek and jumped forward, his chatter cut short. Unfortunately, that put him right into Sephiroth's range and he was instantly being strangled, a question dying on the tip of his tongue in a mess of garbled wheezes and gurgles.

"Cloudy!" Zack chirped, seemingly unfazed as he brandished a Hello Kitty Whip with one hand while twirling a ball gag in the other. "Your safe word is Gorgonzola!"

Cloud blinked at him, hands going slack. The bag he'd been carrying fell to the floor with a loud thump but he ignored it. He hated cucumbers anyway. "What...are you guys doing?"

"He," Sephiroth growled, pointing a finger at the purpling man in his grip. "Is about to meet an untimely death."

"Seph!" Cloud shouted, running over and swatting at the General's hands. He grabbed Genesis with his free hand and made to kick at the silver haired man. "Let go. Now!"

With a huff, Sephiroth did so, petulantly sticking his tongue out at the redhead who was coughing and leaning against Cloud. "I will never wear socks again."

"What?"

"Seph didn't like Mr. Six Toes and a Half."

For the second time in as many minutes, Cloud blinked owlishly at the dark haired man. Zack, for his part, just shrugged and did a fancy little wiggle before strutting into the kitchen, six inch heels clicking merrily.

After he set Genesis down on the couch, making sure to shoot a glare at Sephiroth who was eyeing the socks on the man's hands like they were living slime, Cloud pinched the bridge of his nose. Where was Angeal? He...was used to this shit. Cloud wasn't and he could already feel the headache coming on. When neither of the men spoke, he went to the door and grabbed the fallen bag. "I got dinner."

An excited squeal came out of the kitchen and Zack pranced through the door. "What'd ya get!"

Rolling his eyes, Cloud thrust the bag at his leather clad chest. Really though...was clad the best word? As Zack rooted through the bag, his expression steadily falling, Cloud let his eyes rake over his lover.

The...monstrosity was obviously very cheap leather and very, very pink. The pants looked more like a second skin that attached very low on his hips and disappeared beneath white, thigh high, stiletto boots. How Zack was walking so well was beyond Cloud's imagination. Why Sephiroth and Genesis didn't seem to care that he looked like...this...was something he didn't even want to think about, let alone ask. A set of pink straps crisscrossed over Zack's muscled chest and an overcoat was buckled over his stomach, the white and pink leather waving out behind him in something far too much like Sephiroth's signature look.

Cloud shuddered.

"_Cucumbers_."

"Huh?" Genesis shook his head. His voice was gravely and a purple hand print was forming around his neck, but he looked well enough...all things considered. The socks on his fingers wiggled as he crawled up and peered over the edge of the couch at a distressed Zack.

"Cucumbers," the dark haired man repeated, pointing into the bag with a disgusted look.. "All."

"Will you please speak properly, Zackary?"

"Shut up. You're not allowed to talk yet, or do you want to whip, kitty boy?"

"Both of you, shut it," Genesis snapped, snatching the raised whip before Zack would use it. "Why the fuck are we eating cucumbers for dinner?"

"Well, the guy said-"

Cloud's explanation was interrupted when, for the second time, the door was thrown open. A harried looking Angeal Hewley walked in, sighing, and shut the door.

"I'm hom-"

Angeal froze mid step and silence descended on the room.

Later, after all was said and done and Angeal finally spoke to them again, Cloud would admit, they probably looked rather odd.

Tseng evidently thought so, as did most of the regular army, all of SOLDIER, and Director Lazard.

The next morning, a picture of the four of them was posted in the chow hall- covering most of one wall and in high resolution too. Genesis' hands were covered in mismatched socks, a Hello Kitty whip tucked against his chest while Zack, in all of his pink and white hooker-ish glory, had his hands on his hips and was pointing at the General, a bag of cucumbers at his feet and clearly visible. The General was scowling at him, a clear expression of 'no' written across his face and he would have been looking rather normal if he hadn't have chosen that moment to grab Genesis's neck and yank the man back, flush against his chest. Sadly, Cloud had ended up in the picture as well, muddy and standing behind Zack, one hand raised, a cucumber he didn't remember picking up firmly in his grasp and looking for all the word like he was going to spank that pink, leather clad ass.

...

**Pip...there are no words. I hope you're laughing. Because if you aren't I'm going to have to try again. More pink leather. New and improved with sparkles!**


End file.
